if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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