it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
