I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
