The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
