I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Randomize
