I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
