You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
