my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
