I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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