I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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