WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize