Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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