mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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