My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
