Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
