i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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