I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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