They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
