Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
