Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
