who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Found your dick twin last night
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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