I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
