My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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