I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she told me i tasted like america
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
