dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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