I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
from now on my penis is your penis
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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