i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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