My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
