I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
