this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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