I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize