you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
