I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
