I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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