I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize