based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
