Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
