By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
