How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
