Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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