hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
