I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
