My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
