shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
