wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
