I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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