i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
