I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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