Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
