hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
