i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize