where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
