Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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