He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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