The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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