I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
