I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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