is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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