I am midnight drunk by noon
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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