It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
