i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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