I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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