Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
