if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
