did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
