I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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