The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
