i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
